Family Practice
Jun. 7th, 2004 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
singindemonhqThe Corona De La Sangre dojo is still running. It takes a while to learn those kinds of skills, especially if you've spent a couple of millenia depending on mojo. It was quite tricky in some ways, during the Hunters' Moon, but things should settle down, now.
I've picked up some experience since we've been travelling through the last four of five dimensions, but there's always more to learn - that's the idea behind having the dojo, of course.
By the customs where I come from the operative just meets whoever fate serves up and takes her away with him. I've never been too sure about how people here are supposed to feel about their in-laws - by the time they make a song and dance about it things have probably gone wrong. Anyway, the Little Wolf set it up so I was combat-paired with my brother-in-law.
I hadn't been over-pleased not to have been able to stay near enough to Erynne to be sure she was OK during the Hunters' Moon. I don't usually wait in the audience and sometimes it helps to just work off tension. I practice a lot anyway, but ... Stephen maybe had troubles of his own, too - at least when he found out about my combat methods. (I did not toast him! I didn't make the slightest attempt.) It's just natural for me to smoke out when anyone tries to get to close grips.
When Erynne they decided that it wasn't permitted I was Ok about it.
<Firewalled against all who mean harm,
see the words,
obey the charm. It might not do for Stephen and the rest of them to see how often that's creative use of illusion, anyway. A fast illusion can sometimes give me time to really smoke out or not, of course.
Then - my clothes do tend to ... reshape if somebody grabs at them... It's not "cheating". We're all learning new tricks,combat tricks, anyway. Using that much Mojo can use up a a lot of energy, if the operative gets out of practice, so I haven't had much time to update this journal and so on. I must think up some kind of training that Erynne and me can have some fun with.
I've picked up some experience since we've been travelling through the last four of five dimensions, but there's always more to learn - that's the idea behind having the dojo, of course.
By the customs where I come from the operative just meets whoever fate serves up and takes her away with him. I've never been too sure about how people here are supposed to feel about their in-laws - by the time they make a song and dance about it things have probably gone wrong. Anyway, the Little Wolf set it up so I was combat-paired with my brother-in-law.
I hadn't been over-pleased not to have been able to stay near enough to Erynne to be sure she was OK during the Hunters' Moon. I don't usually wait in the audience and sometimes it helps to just work off tension. I practice a lot anyway, but ... Stephen maybe had troubles of his own, too - at least when he found out about my combat methods. (I did not toast him! I didn't make the slightest attempt.) It's just natural for me to smoke out when anyone tries to get to close grips.
When
<Firewalled against all who mean harm,
see the words,
obey the charm. It might not do for Stephen and the rest of them to see how often that's creative use of illusion, anyway. A fast illusion can sometimes give me time to really smoke out
Then - my clothes do tend to ... reshape if somebody grabs at them... It's not "cheating". We're all learning new tricks,
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Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:30 am (UTC)No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:31 am (UTC)I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:31 am (UTC)I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:32 am (UTC)If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:33 am (UTC)When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:34 am (UTC)If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:34 am (UTC)I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:35 am (UTC)Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:36 am (UTC)I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:37 am (UTC)No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:37 am (UTC)If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:38 am (UTC)If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:39 am (UTC)I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:40 am (UTC)My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:41 am (UTC)If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-27 07:42 am (UTC)My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-28 06:53 am (UTC)That's very prudent of him; unusually insightful for a human.
Re: The Original List
Date: 2004-06-28 06:50 am (UTC)Your boss should've scoped this out, Faithy.